


In Loving Memory

by LadyNikita



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (i know spoilers but trigger warnings are more important), A LOT of Angst, Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Dissociation, I'm gonna be putting warnings for separate chapters in the notes too btw, M/M, Manipulation, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Stay Safe Guys, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Verbal Abuse, also, don't read it if you're struggling with suicidal thoughts, here go warnings cause there's a lot, honestly, okay i'll shut up now, so i'm projecting a lot, this is gonna be very graphic, this is kind of a vent fic for me, this is the angstiest fic I have ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-18 06:45:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15479913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyNikita/pseuds/LadyNikita
Summary: Virgil, as an anxious person, was really afraid of college. But he didn't expect his roommate to be so nice. Everything seemed to be falling into place in his life, finally... up until his depression along with his abusive father didn't remind him about their existence. Nothing lasts forever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> Warnings: anxiety. If you need me to add anything here, just let me know!  
> Enjoy <3

Virgil crossed his arms on his chest as if trying to hug himself. It was his first day in college and his anxiety was the size of the mountains all day. Not that that's something new for him. First classes actually weren't very bad, meaning that no one acknowledged his presence. Good. It's better that way. He shuffled the hood on his head to properly hide as he tended to do and walked towards the dorms. He was about to meet his roommate. Great.  
When he was there this morning the room was empty, though he'd seen that the man had left his stuff on the bed. There was _a lot_ of books about astronomy, physics, and other scientific topics. He'd seen some good literature too though, especially the whole series of Sherlock Holmes neatly layered in a box. Virgil was quite happy with that; at least it didn't seem like the man was particularly social. Maybe he'll just leave him alone.  
But when he made his way to the right door, he heard voices. Exactly. _Voices._ More than one.  
"Oh, come on, nerd, you can't possibly be upset about that!" A melodic voice, that brought theatre to Virgil's mind, exclaimed with disbelief.  
"This is just unbelievable, this man is incompetent, Roman," this one was much quieter and calmer. "He won't teach me anything I don't already know. This is just plain ridiculous."  
"So," a third voice joined, making Virgil panic even more. How many friends does his roommate have? "You can say the amount of new information you'll be getting during these classes is... Infinitesimal?"  
Virgil heard a laugh and an annoyed groan.  
"You make _one_ mistake-!"  
Virgil blinked. He shouldn't eavesdrop, but he couldn't go in there either. There were at least three people there, that's way too many. Going in would mean having to at least say hi to them because his roommate would sure want to talk and get to know him, and he certainly didn't feel ready to talk to anyone. He didn't speak all day and he would rather keep it that way.  
The thoughts apparently absorbed him so much that he didn't hear the continuation of the conversation, but one of the people inside decided to leave because Virgil heard steps near the door and only managed to take a step back before the door opened up.  
He saw a tall, rather handsome man in stylish clothes and makeup on his face. He stopped short when he saw Virgil right in front of the door.  
"Hi? D'you need anything?" He asked with his eyebrows raised. Virgil must've looked suspicious, not like a passer-by that got startled by the opening door.  
"Um, I-" Virgil stuttered, but another man emerged from the corridor. He was shorter, had glasses, neatly set hair, a black shirt and a blue tie.  
"Oh, salutations. You must be my new roommate."  
Virgil swallowed and nodded slightly. How did he know that?  
"Come on in, then," the guy with the tie invited him with a gesture and a slight smile. Virgil saw another man with a sky blue shirt and a grey cardigan wrapped around his shoulders sitting on his roommate's bed. He smiled brightly at him and waved his hand enthusiastically. Virgil only blinked and hunched.  
"I am Logan," his roommate introduced himself. "And this is Patton," he said, pointing at the man with the cardigan. "The one that just left is Roman."  
"Nice to meet you!" Patton sent him another warm smile.  
"What's your name?" Logan asked curiously. Virgil cleared his throat.  
"Virgil," he said quietly. He turned around and put his bag on his bed.  
"Uhh, that sounds so different than our names. Shouldn't it be, like, uh, Virgin?" Patton laughed but stopped under Logan's glare.  
"Well, sorry to ruin this for you," Virgil said harsher than he intended.  
"You didn't ruin anything. I think this name really suits you, Virgil," Logan nodded at him and smiled slightly.  
Virgil looked at him out of the corner of his eye. He started to like this guy. His calm and steady voice somehow made him feel grounded and eased his anxiety to a manageable extent.  
He proceeded to unpack all of his things (when he came here in the morning he was in a rush for his afternoon classes, so he only dropped everything and took the backpack he prepared beforehand), while Logan and Patton were talking quietly on the bed in Logan's part of the room. Virgil shoved a black pile of his clothes to the drawer and put the books on the shelves. Then he shoved his suitcase under his bed and sat down. He took a deep breath and put his headphones on. He pulled up his legs and leaned against the wall behind him. He closed his eyes and drifted off, finally relaxing a bit after the whole day of new experiences.  
***  
The yellow light of the lamp in the room woke him up. He flinched, for a second forgetting that he's not in his home anymore. He saw Logan standing in the corridor and looking at him with slightly narrowed eyes. Virgil's heart accelerated as he put down his headphones.  
"Hey, Logan," he said in a sleepy voice. Anxiety, however, managed to wake him up pretty quickly.  
"Hi, Virgil. Are you alright?" he asked, leaning against the wall.  
He shrugged.  
"Yeah. Why?"  
Now Logan shrugged.  
"I don't know, you've been pretty quiet. Sorry about Patton, he's-"  
"It's okay," Virgil waved his hand. "It's nothing."  
"So... what are you studying?"  
"I major in criminalistics," Virgil answered. "Plus English lit as a minor."  
Logan seemed to warm up, interested.  
"Really? Criminalistics sound appealing. I would also do this subject, but I already have astronomy and English literature to study. So it seems, we'll be attending a few of the same courses," he smiled widely. Virgil smirked.  
"I've seen Sherlock Holmes in your box of books this morning," Virgil said quickly, before anxiety could stop him. "I brought the TV show on DVD, have you seen it?"  
"I have indeed heard of it, but never got around to watching it," he nodded. "Are you suggesting a nice evening with an episode?"  
"Exactly," Virgil raised one side of his mouth and pulled the discs out of a drawer in his desk.  
They spent the evening watching the first episode. Virgil enjoyed himself more than ever. Maybe it won't be that bad, he thought.  
The next day he had classes with Logan. They walked there together, as Logan had arrived at the campus earlier and had already gotten to know his way around. After classes they met with Roman and Patton (Virgil agreed to Logan's pleas to get to know them because, as Logan assured him, they were not as bad as they seemed during their first encounter) and had gone to a cafe. After a flowery introduction from Roman, he started to carry on about the show he managed to get a part in already. Patton listened to him intently, actively nodding and screeching with excitement and Logan was shooting glances at Virgil from time to time, as if checking whether he was enjoying himself. And he actually was. College didn't seem that terrifying now.  
"So, Virge, can I call you Virge, I'm gonna call you Virge," Patton was even worse with talking than Roman. Virgil blinked.  
"Okay," he said quietly.  
"So, Virge, what are you gonna do after studies? I hear you're majoring in criminalistics?" Patton grinned at him.  
"Yeah, I am. And I- I don't really have a plan for my future. I don't see myself there, like, having a job and a life of my own... It just seems abstract."  
"Now, now, you know that your friends will always help you if you have any problems with adultery, right?"  
Logan sighed with annoyance and hid his face in his hands.  
"That is not the word, Patton," he mumbled, while Roman laughed quietly.  
"Yeah, that doesn't mean becoming an adult," Virgil said frowning, though he felt a bit giggly.  
Patton shrugged it off and took a sip from his cup.  
"What are you studying eventually, Logan?" Roman asked and turned to Virgil, "this nerd had major problems deciding what to choose."  
"I am studying astronomy which is far more fascinating and useful than this 'going on stage and shouting about things you've never experienced' of yours," Logan straightened up, pretending to be offended.  
"Oh yeah, do I need to remind you that one time you played on the stage with me?" Roman raised his eyebrows, while Logan rolled his eyes and looked away.  
"We are _not_ talking about that, Princey."  
"Virgil hasn't heard that story, Roman, tell him, tell him," Patton was almost jumping in his seat.  
"So, Microsoft Nerd over here," Roman started, putting emphasis on the nickname, "wanted to impress one of our teachers in middle school, so she'd accept him in the additional classes for chemistry, since it was a 'secret' and she'd only take those whom she trusted. She was an amazing woman, multi-talented, truly a renaissance figure. She was running our theatre group and she just adored me, so I obviously knew about the chemistry thing and I told Logan that she'd fall in love with him if he played in a play with us."  
"And he did?" Virgil asked, raising his eyebrows.  
"'Course he did," Patton laughed, as Logan looked away, apparently embarrassed. "But he was amazing!!"  
"Well, I need to give him that, when he tries to impress someone he can truly be a great actor," Roman winked at Logan. "Hey, you're all red, are you blushing?"  
"Aw, you're adorable," Patton raised his hands to his mouth.  
"I am not-" Logan rolled his eyes, " _adorable_."  
Virgil smiled and covered his mouth. Even though he enjoyed their company, his anxiety was rising. He didn't belong here. They knew each other since _middle school_. There was no way they'd accept him now. They would soon find out how awfully boring he really is. He didn't belong with them.  
Even though these thoughts didn't leave him, he couldn't bring himself to leave this group of friends, that seemed to include him in everything they did. They met regularly in the cafe twice a week, when they all finished classes pretty early so they could catch up with everything and drink coffee (in Logan and Roman's case) and hot chocolate for Patton and Virgil. They even included him in a group chat.  
***  
Virgil stormed into the room, dropped his backpack and some papers he’d held on the floor and threw himself onto his bed.  
“Virgil?” Logan stood up from the chair at his desk and made his way to him. “Are you alright?”  
“No,” Virgil muttered into the pillow.  
“What’s wrong, then?” Logan frowned.  
“I can’t do this,” Virgil whined and turned to him. “I’m dropping out.”  
Logan noticed Virgil’s hands shaking. He sat beside him on the bed.  
“Tell me what happened,” he asked softly.  
Virgil looked at the floor, trying to calm himself down.  
“I failed the biology test. Again. Foggs told me that I shouldn’t even bother. And maybe she’s right, I’m not good enough to be-“  
“Hey, it’s okay,” Logan interrupted him and put his hand reassuringly on his shoulder, “it’s not too late. You can still retake it, right?” he pointed out.  
“Yeah, but I don’t understand a thing.”  
“Let me help you,” Logan suggested. “Biology, though not my favourite subject, can still be fascinating.”  
“Okay,” Virgil gave him a soft smile. “Maybe it’ll be fun.”  
“Um, fun - fascinating, tomato - solanum lycopersicum,” Logan tilted his head and smiled too.  
They sat studying for a long time. Virgil had to admit, biology seemed a lot more interesting with Logan explaining it instead of the frog-looking, mean lady. After they finished, they turned on Virgil’s computer and watched another episode of Sherlock, what has become kind of their habit. Every evening, if it wasn’t very busy for either of them, they would spend an hour solving cases with Sherlock (Logan tried to be the first one to solve it, but never really succeeded) while eating something for a late dinner. Virgil noticed that since he moved in with Logan, his eating habits improved significantly. Logan was generally the positive influence on his life. Virgil looked at him discreetly, as he was staring at the screen with his hands drawn together, tips of his fingers touching his lips, apparently focusing on the case. Virgil smirked slightly. All in all, he was grateful Logan was his roommate. He’d been so scared of college before but everything turned out to be just fine. Even better than fine. Logan glanced at him, apparently sensing that Virgil was looking at him, so he looked away, pretending to be immersed in the show. Logan raised his eyebrows slightly, but didn’t say anything. Just a hint of smile danced on his lips for a while.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: A bit of homophobia? Mentioned. If you need anything added, just tell me!  
> Enjoy! <3

"Roman, that is probably the stupidest idea I have ever heard," Virgil looked at Princey with his eyes wide.  
"Oh, come on, Virge, we don't have any kettle!"  
"It'll be fun!" Patton agreed and opened the door to Virgil and Logan's room and went to the bathroom.  
"Let it be known, I do not like this idea," Virgil raised his finger, but Roman lowered it.  
"Too bad, we're doing it. Patton, bring out the noodles!"  
They opened the package of noodles and turned on the shower.  
"Now," Roman started dramatically, "we just wait for the water to get hot and we have our noodles."  
"Nice," Virgil crossed his arms and smirked. "Logan's gonna kill you."  
"Ha, I wanna see him try."  
Patton touched the water and immediately took his finger back.  
"Yeah, that's pretty hot," he laughed. "Let's do it."  
He poured the water into the bowl and at the same time the door to the room opened.  
"What are you doing?" Logan came in to the bathroom and raised his eyebrows. "What the hell."  
"We didn't have a kettle, what were we supposed to do?" Roman rolled his eyes. "You nerds have zero creativity, honestly."  
"Why in _our_ shower though?" Logan shook his head.  
"It was closer," Patton shrugged and laughed. "And otherwise, Virgil wouldn't come with us."  
"At least you're pretty smart," Logan patted Virgil's back and made his way to Roman. "Give me that."  
"What, no!" Roman turned around and they struggled for a while. Virgil walked to them trying to separate them.  
"Guys, guys, it's all gonna be-" in this moment the bowl has fallen out of Roman's hands and landed on the floor, spilling the noodles all over the place, "-on the floor," Virgil finished looking hopelessly at the mess.  
"Look what you've done, sir I-Know-What-I'm-Doing," Logan pointed at the bathroom floor.  
"If you wouldn't attack me this wouldn't happen, mister Always-Right," Roman countered and crossed his arms.  
"Now we don't have noodles," Patton made a pouty face. "But we can go to a cafe instead!"  
"First, you're gonna clean this mess up!" Logan leaned against the wall. "And I'm gonna watch and make sure everything is as it was."  
"Uh, Logan," Virgil chuckled. "You have a noodle on your tie," he came closer and took it off.   
Logan looked at him for a second. "Thanks," he smiled. "Now get to cleaning."  
"But I haven't done anything!" Virgil raised his hands.  
"You're going down with us, sugar," Roman patted him on a shoulder and sang: “We’re all in this together!”  
***  
Christmas came quick and with it New Year and mid-terms. Virgil spent most of his time studying biology, since it was really hard for him to learn. Logan was there for him though, always eager to help him memorize. He read to him when Virgil started to panic, which he found soothing and calming. Soon enough Virgil noticed a huge improvement in his mental state. His day-to-day anxiety eased up and the weight of the world he usually felt on his shoulders somehow became lighter to bear. He found himself even excited to get up in the morning to spend time with his friends. Yeah, for the first time he really had friends who cared about him. Or so he wanted to believe. They hung out with him all the time though and never excluded him. They usually played board games on the purple-blue carpet in his and Logan's room or they met in the cafe in the afternoons. Besides they always went together to see Roman's plays in the college theatre. Virgil had to admit, Roman was a hell of an actor.  
Overall, he could say he felt the closest to being happy as he's ever been.  
"I am the most miserable man in the whole world," he whined, closing the biology textbook. Logan glanced at him from his book that he was reading, half-laying half-sitting on his bed.  
"Do you want help?" He asked.  
"No, screw it," Virgil sighed and tossed the book towards his backpack. It hit the wall and landed behind it.  
"Careful-" Logan muttered.  
Virgil leaned back on the chair and knocked on the desk with his fingernails.  
"You in the mood for some Sherlock?"  
"Always," Logan put away the book and sat at Virgil's bed, while he prepared the computer.  
Virgil sat next to him and put the computer in front of them. He put the DVD in and started the last episode.  
"It's not as fun when I know all the answers to the cases," Logan said. "But I still enjoy it."  
"True," Virgil agreed and looked at Logan. He found himself doing that quite often. He liked watching him while he was invested in the movie, when he put his hands together like Sherlock and nod to the dialogue. He generally liked how Logan looked. How his hair was always perfectly styled, how his eyes were blue in the middle and getting darker and darker on the edges of the iris.  
"Do I have something on my face?" Logan looked at him and touched his cheeks.  
"What?" Virgil asked, pulled out from thought.  
"You're staring at me," Logan laughed.  
"Oh," Virgil got flustered, "uh, I was just thinking."  
"About?"  
"Nothing in particular," he laughed and shrugged. "I tend to do that."  
"Okay," Logan smirked from a reason only known to himself and came back to watching the movie.  
***  
The summer holidays were hell for Virgil. He was never happy to be at home due to his father yelling at him for everything, that’s why he’s spent half of it hanging out with his friends when they had time. And the best part of it was they offered that to him themselves. He wasn’t the needy one, the desperate one. They _wanted_ to hang out with him.  
He was extremely happy nevertheless when he returned to college for the second year. A couple of days in, Ms. Foggs managed to piss Virgil off already; Logan could tell that when he entered their room and he saw Virgil tossing biology textbook on the floor.  
“Rough day?” Logan asked and locked the door behind him.  
“Yeah,” he pursed his lips and picked the book up to put it back on the desk. “Where have you been? It’s late.”  
“My quantum physics teacher stopped me to talk about some things,” Logan shrugged and sat on his bed. “Just needed a clarification on one of my assignments.”  
“This took you two hours?” Virgil asked with disbelief.  
“Well,” Logan laughed. “We kind of got into a discussion. It was interesting.”  
“Cool,” Virgil smiled a bit and opened his laptop.  
“Hey, the sky is cloudless tonight,” Logan pointed at the window and walked to it. “You can see stars.”  
Virgil stood beside Logan and looked up. “Wow. This is cool.”  
“Yeah, I love that we have windows on this side. There are almost no lights,” Logan smiled.  
“Wonder if you can find any constellations,” Virgil glanced at Logan, his heart beat faster as they stood very close to each other. Virgil fought off the urge to touch his arm. This is wrong. He can’t be feeling this. It’s not right.  
“Sure,” Logan pointed his finger up. “See these three stars forming an arch? And then these four forming a trapezium. That’s Ursa Major.”  
“Wait, where,” Virgil frowned. Logan stood behind him and pointed his hand right before his eyes so their perspective would be similar.  
“Here,” he whispered into his ear. Virgil felt goosebumps on his skin.  
“Oh, yeah. I see it,” he nodded slightly, feeling Logan’s face right next to his neck.  
“It’s so beautiful,” Logan sighed. “Unfortunately we won’t see Ursa Minor here, it’s not dark enough. But we need to go to a camp together one day, so I will show you.”  
They stood there for a while. Logan came back to his place by the window to see better but Virgil couldn’t decide which view was more beautiful; starry sky or Logan broodily in thought, looking out the window, his skin lightly illuminated by the moon. But he immediately reprimanded himself for these thoughts. His father’s voice spoke up in his head that this was wrong. That this was a sin. That he would be condemned for even thinking such things.  
“What are you thinking about?” Logan asked quietly. Virgil only now noticed he must have been staring at him for a bit.  
“Uh-,” he shrugged and shook his head.  
“You look sad,” Logan tilted his head.  
Virgil laughed nervously to slacken the atmosphere.  
“It’s nothing,” he shrugged and turned his glanced to the stars again.  
Logan licked his lips nervously and started to fidget with his fingers. Virgil has never seen him so nervous.  
“Look,” he started, not looking at him. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”  
Virgil nodded encouragingly and looked at him again. Logan sighed.  
“It’s- I’m not very good at- at talks like these,” he stumbled which was also not like him.  
“It’s okay, Logan,” Virgil tried to calm him down.  
“Sorry, it’s just-“ sighed and looked down. “I’m not at all good with feelings-y things.”  
Virgil’s heart beat faster, but he ignored it.  
“Just rip it off like a band-aid,” he advised. “You have a crush on someone?”  
“Yeah,” he nodded and took a deep breath. “On you, specifically.”  
Virgil fell silent. Logan glanced at him, checking his reaction.  
“I mean, it’s okay if you’re not- if you don’t feel the same or you’re not gay or something, I understand, I just couldn’t keep it a secret and I was told that talking about it was the best thing to do, so here we are, but I don’t want anything to change between us if you don’t feel the same, I mean, I really appreciate you as my friend and-.”  
Virgil caught his hand, making him quieten. He looked in his eyes and for a second, he thought he saw tears in them.  
“Logan,” Virgil spoke his name and it felt so- so beautiful. He knew he loved this man. Now he knew the man loved him too, no matter how unbelievable that seemed to him. But his father’s voice stopped him every time. “I can’t-.”  
“It’s really okay if you don’t feel the same, Virgil,” Logan took his hand away and rubbed his face. “I shouldn’t have said that, I just made things awkward, haven’t I?” He laughed.  
“No, but…” Virgil bit his lip. “Are you sure this isn’t wrong? That loving another man isn’t wrong or disgusting?”  
Logan looked at him for a while.  
“Of course not,” he shook his head. “Being gay is completely okay, Virgil, you spend so much time on Tumblr, I thought you knew that.”  
Virgil looked down and swallowed. “My dad used to punish me for even bringing up the subject,” he shrugged.  
“No, it’s perfectly okay,” he looked surprised. “Do you- do you feel anything then?”  
Virgil looked him in the eyes and assessed everything that he felt once again. What did he feel? He felt anxiety. Anxiety of his beliefs turning around. But also excitement. And love. Happiness when he looked at Logan, definitely. He suddenly realised he really needs to kiss the man in front of him.  
“Oh, I feel a lot,” he whispered and leaned forward to kiss Logan. Their lips met in between the distance and that was the sweetest feeling Virgil has ever experienced.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay just to clear one thing up - they are in America, so degrees are in Fahrenheit. Just in case. Cause you know, British English, American English, who can tell the difference, right? XD  
> Warnings: anxiety, depression

The time seemed to literally fly by and soon enough the Christmas break had come. Virgil only had to retake a biology exam on the last day, but the rest of the students were already free to go.  
Logan and Virgil were in their room, packing their stuff when the door to the room opened and Patton and Roman stormed in with boxes in their hands.  
"Happy Holidays!" They exclaimed in unison and proceeded to hug Logan and Virgil.  
"Secret Santa time!" Patton jumped with excitement and grinned. "Who goes first? Can I?”  
"Yes, you can, Pat," Roman waved his hand and Patton reached for a box covered in red paper with a golden bow. "I had Roman!"  
"Obviously," Logan nodded with a smirk.  
Roman unpacked the box and opened it. His eyes widened.  
"What??" He screeched in disbelief and he took out a golden crown.  
"A crown for the Prince!" Patton giggled. "Do you like it?"  
"I freaking _love_ it, Pat! This is the best present I've ever gotten!"  
"Put it on, put it on!"  
He did, and it indeed looked amazing when he straightened up proudly looking down at them with a royal smirk.  
"It does suit you, Roman," Logan laughed.  
"So what, Princey, you're a king now?" Virgil asked.  
"Yes, I am the king of Christmas! And now it's my turn!" He exclaimed and took a rectangular box packed with purple and black paper. "That's for our little emo nightmate!"  
"Oh, My God, Roman, that pun," Patton laughed out loud while Virgil covered his mouth to hide that he also laughed. Logan just sat there with a wry face.  
"I am disgusted."  
Virgil took the present and carefully opened it to see a folded, purple and black material. He frowned and when he took it out he saw a purple and black hoodie. His eyes widened.  
"That's - woah, this is - this is awesome. Thanks, Princey," he smiled and put it down.  
"So, I'll go now," Logan handed Patton a yellow and blue package. He opened it with excitement and saw a book of dessert recipes. He squealed with happiness.  
"Thanks, Lo! I love it!" He hugged him. "I'll cook something for y'all when I come back from home!"  
“Oh, yes!” Roman exclaimed. “I’m looking forward to that, you are, like, the best cook in the whole America, Pat!”  
Patton just waved his hand and laughed modestly.  
So Virgil was the only one left. He stood up and walked to his room, then came back with a bigger, navy blue box.  
"So, um, this is for you, Logan. I hope you like it," he said quietly with a smile, looking into his eyes. Logan looked at him for a moment before he opened it.  
"That's a... Virgil, this must have been so expensive!" Logan blinked in shock and turned his glance at Virgil, who shrugged.  
"It wasn't. It was my father's, but he doesn't use it anymore. So I thought you would make a better use of it."  
Logan shook his head and took the telescope out of the box. Patton held his breath and Roman whistled with appreciation.  
" _Nice_."  
"Thank you so much, Virgil, this is - this means a lot." Virgil could be wrong, but Logan seemed to be on the verge of tears. He smiled.  
"Okay, it's getting late. I think we should go, Princey," Patton nudged Roman, looking at his phone. "My mom's picking us up in ten minutes."  
"What?! I’m not packed yet!" Roman panicked and made a gesture with his hand. "Bye, Happy Holidays, nerds!"  
Patton gave both of them quick hugs and they ran to their room.  
Logan looked at Virgil.  
“I really love the gift,” he said with a smile. “Now we have to go somewhere to watch the stars.”  
“Yeah, we definitely have to,” Virgil returned the smile and hugged him. “Merry Christmas.”  
***  
Logan leaned against the fence at the entrance to the campus holding two paper cups of mulled wine. He took a sip from one of them and looked around. After a while he spotted a man in a black and purple hoodie walking towards him and talking with Remy, a guy from his courses. He was wearing an unzipped leather jacket (despite it being 14 degrees outside) and was holding a cup from Starbucks. For some reason he also had sunglasses on his head.  
"I am tellin' you, pumpkin, this bitch is very wrong," his voice made its way to Logan's ears as they got closer. Virgil waved to Logan in the meantime and he answered with a nod. "She thinks she can just yeet you right outta here, but lemme tell you - you're stronger than this, gurl. The best thing you can do is to not give a single damn about the shit that comes outta her mouth and prove her wrong, amirite?" Remy patted Virgil on the shoulder. "You can do this, mate. Oh, hey, Logan!" He waved at him. "See you after the break. Happy Hanukkah!"  
Then he turned around and walked away energetically.  
"What happened?" Logan asked and handed Virgil the second cup of mulled wine. He accepted it with gratitude and took a sip.  
"Biology bitch flunked me," Virgil muttered. "I have another chance after the break but if I fail I'm out."  
"Oh, Virgil..." Logan took his hand and squeezed it. "It's gonna be okay. I can help you study if you want. You can do this."  
"I don't know, Lo," Virgil looked down. They naturally started walking forward. "I don't know if I can do this. I'm tired."  
"I know. It's just one exam though. We will all help you."  
"Wait, where are we going?" Virgil changed the subject when Logan turned to the wrong street.  
"Somewhere else," Logan said mysteriously, letting his mouth form a little smile. "We always spend so much time at the campus and I know a cool place that I'm sure you'll like."  
"Okay," Virgil followed him towards the old church on the hill.  
They were on the outskirts of the city and this neighbourhood was really calm and nice. It was so much different than the rest of the city; there were no tall buildings, only houses with backyards, usually full of colourful flowers, which formed a really warm and positive atmosphere. Logan led Virgil onto the top of the hill where the church was and went behind it. The area was closed off by an old fence, but to Virgil's utter surprise, Logan, always lawful good Logan, had no problem with jumping over it.  
"Well, come on," he hurried him, seemingly not caring about the impression he made on Virgil. You couldn't miss the little smirk on his face though.  
"Who are you and what have you done to Logan?" Virgil asked with his eyebrows raised and mouthed a 'wow' before jumping over the fence himself. Logan showed him a cliff, just behind the church's back walls, with a beautiful view on the city from up high.  
"Wow, this is awesome," Virgil whispered sitting next to Logan and letting his legs slide down. After a while he decided that it's a little too high for him and drew back a bit.  
"I used to come here a lot with my sister when we were visiting my aunt in the city," Logan said and laughed. "My parents were always so mad at me afterwards."  
There was a moment of silence as they both stared at the landscape, enwrapped in their own thoughts.  
"So, what are you gonna do about that biology?" Logan asked quietly and turned to Virgil, who looked down and sighed.  
"I honestly - I'm so done right now. I don't wanna do this anymore."  
Logan put away the now empty cup and caught Virgil's hand.  
"I know it's tough. I understand - "  
"No, you don't understand," Virgil interrupted him a little bit harsher than he intended. He took his hand from Logan's and crossed his arms on his chest. "I'm sorry, it's just - " he sighed. "I don't know how I've survived till now. I don't know how I've been forcing myself to get out of bed and study but I can't do that anymore. I'm exhausted. I'd honestly rather die than have to spend another minute doing - anything," he whispered the last word. Logan was quiet for a moment, processing what Virgil had said.  
"I mean, don't get me wrong," Virgil added, now carefully, worried that Logan could read it the wrong way. "I love you guys. I love _you_. I probably wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for you. But the thing is, it's getting too hard to handle, you know?"  
"And what's the alternative?" Logan asked suddenly. "Let's say you drop out. What then?"  
Virgil fell quiet. There was one answer in his mind but he wouldn't possibly say it out loud. Especially not to Logan.  
"Virgil, I'm worried about you," he said and looked him in the eyes. "Have you been to a psychologist?"  
"No," Virgil shook his head decidedly. "That's not happening."  
"Why not? Therapists aren't scary. They would help you get back on track."  
"It's not that I'm scared," Virgil pursed his lips. "It's my father. Therapy is expensive and no one's gonna pay for it."  
"Okay, but you have to understand that the things you said a minute ago, all of them," Logan made a gesture gathering the things in the air, "are most likely your depression speaking. You can fight it."  
"Depression," Virgil said quietly. "You think that's what this is?"  
"Of course," Logan shrugged. "This sounds like textbook depression, Virge. And your parents should come to their senses already and sign you up for therapy. Maybe you can talk to them on Christmas?"  
"Oh, yeah," Virgil laughed bitterly. "Like that's happening."  
Logan looked at him questioningly.  
"That would be asking for death," Virgil explained. "My father would make a whole scene in front of the whole family about how I am stupid and lazy and making shit up to feel important. No, I think I'll pass."  
Logan blinked.  
"I'm sorry," he said quietly.  
"It's okay," Virgil took his hand and kissed it softly. "I wish I didn't have to go back there. I wish I could stay here. With you."  
Logan came closer and slowly kissed him. They embraced each other and stayed like that, keeping each other warm.  
"I'm going back home tomorrow. Maybe you can stay at my place till Christmas Eve," Logan spoke up suddenly. "If you can and - and want to, of course."  
"Really?" Virgil looked up at him with hope. "I would love that."  
Logan smiled.  
"I just have to talk to my mom about it. I hope she'll let me."  
"Okay," Logan frowned a bit. "Can't you decide that for yourself though?"  
"No," Virgil shook his head and cuddled closer to Logan. "My father wouldn't like that."  
"Oh, that's what I thought," Logan muttered.  
"What?"  
"Nothing," Logan shook his head and kissed Virgil's cheek. Virgil moved his head so their lips connected again. He sighed and relaxed, touching Logan's cheek. Everything disappeared just for a while, while the kiss lasted. It was like all the world stopped being important, stopped meaning anything anymore. It was just Logan, here and now. He almost remembered how happy used to feel like.  
***  
"He is gonna be _so_ mad at me." This was the first thing Virgil said after entering their room. He slammed the door and hugged Logan. "I love you."  
"Are you drunk?" He asked with a frown and stepped back.  
"No, I just don't care," he laughed. "I'm sorry, but - my father always kept me away from everything fun. I was never allowed to do anything or I was punished. But honestly, what can he do to me now?" He put his arms in the air and smirked. "I'm gonna stay with you till Christmas."  
"But - is this safe for you?" Logan seemed worried.  
"Don't worry, my father's gonna be mad, but when isn't he?" He shook his head and made his way to his suitcase. "I'd get yelled at anyway so might as well at least make it worth it."  
Logan chuckled and shrugged.  
"Okay then."  
They finished packing and got out of the campus. Logan's mom's car was already waiting for them.  
"Hi, my little mitochondrium," she exclaimed after she got out and opened the truck to help them put their suitcases there.  
"Ma," Logan groaned and blushed, embarrassed as Virgil cracked up.  
"Okay, I'm stopping now," she laughed too and kissed Logan's head. Then she looked curiously at Virgil.  
"Ma, this is Virgil, my boyfriend," Logan said, getting in the car. Virgil followed him, quietly.  
"Oh, awesome," she smiled at Virgil. Then suddenly she asked, "Cats or dogs?"  
"Mom, _please_ ," Logan hid his face in his hands and uttered a groan full of suffering.  
"Both," Virgil answered, starting to smile. Somehow, Logan getting embarrassed made him look even cuter than usually and he started to feel more comfortable with the situation.  
"And _that_ is the one and only correct answer!" Logan's mom exclaimed and they took off from the parking lot. "Welcome to the family, Virgil! And please, call me Kathy."  
Virgil smiled and looked at Logan, who rolled his eyes. Virgil chuckled silently and patted his hand with sympathy.  
"I'm with you, man."  
"Thanks."  
The ride didn't even take an hour as Logan lived in the town nearby. He could probably take a bus to get to his classes every day but he had a lot of reasons to live in the dorms; he was with friends, was not depending on the buses and felt freedom of living (almost) on his own. And his parents were quite rich so he could effortlessly afford it. Virgil gasped when they stopped in front of the big, beautiful house with a well-tended garden.  
"Woah, this is great." Virgil's eyes were glimmering in the setting sun. He definitely was impressed.  
"Thanks," Logan looked down and took his hand. "Come on, I'll show you around."  
"What about our bags?"  
"My dad will take care of them, don't worry," Logan smiled.  
"Okay," Virgil squeezed his hand and tilted his head. "Lead the way."  
The tour was interrupted halfway through by Kathy who called them for cookies, freshly baked by Logan's sister, Maya. She was five years younger than him and was an amazing cook. Besides the two women in the family there was also Logan's dad, his even younger brother and a black cat with big yellow eyes that fell in love with Virgil the minute he sniffed him. He was so accepted and included in the family right away that for a moment he forgot he had his own family waiting for him. He didn't even want to remember. He would give anything, _everything_ to live here instead.  
They went to sleep in Logan's room. Virgil obviously got an extra mattress from Logan's mom, but they ended up in Logan's bed together anyway.  
Logan's room was blue with white accents and everything was so clean and trim. Virgil even noticed the books on the shelf were in alphabetical order, which was extremely Logan-like. That made him smile.  
Everything about this place in general made him smile. It was like a paradise.  
"So, risky question," Logan whispered. "What do you think of my family?"  
"Oh, Logan, I love them so much," Virgil sighed and grinned. "They are absolutely amazing."  
"And cringey," Logan made a wry face and laughed. "This was by far the most embarrassing evening. Especially when my mom started to talk about me in that pool naked - "  
"Chill, Lo, you were three years old!" Virgil nudged him in the side. "We've all done weird shit then, didn’t we?"  
"We're doing weird shit all our lives, actually," he pointed out. "It's how we look at it that makes it cringey."  
"Yeah," Virgil nodded. "In the mood for an existential crisis, I see?"  
"Oh, not tonight," Logan smiled and kissed him gently. "Actually, I don't wanna talk at all."  
Virgil just smiled and put his hand in Logan's hair.  
"Okay," he whispered into his ear.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: anxiety, verbal and physical abuse, homophobia

He woke up with a strange weight on his chest. He opened his eyes slightly to see a pair of yellow ones, staring at him sleepily.  
"Oh, hey, Shadow," Virgil muttered and stroked his back. Shadow started to purr quietly and squinted his eyes.  
"Good morning, Virge," Logan spoke from the desk. He raised his glance from the book he was reading and smiled at him.  
"What time is it?" Virgil asked.  
"About nine am. Good you're awake, breakfast's probably gonna be ready any time now."  
Virgil smiled at Shadow and scratched him behind his ear. He raised his head, wanting to be pet more, and stretched his paws so they reached Virgil's chin, which made him chuckle.  
Suddenly they heard a knock on the door and Maya's blond head showed up.  
"Breakfast is ready," she informed them and ran downstairs, leaving the door open.  
They ate waffles and talked over the plan for Christmas preparations. Virgil, for the first time ever, could feel the spirit of Christmas. He could not stop smiling.  
The task before Logan and Virgil was to decorate the Christmas tree with Maya while Kathy and Logan's brother went shopping. After that they all were going to handle the cooking. Logan's dad was at work since morning, but he was supposed to bring Christmas lights to decorate the house with him at the end of the day.  
Virgil threw himself completely into the work; at the end of decorating (during which they listened to Fall Out Boy, which made Virgil _delighted_ since Maya loved them too) he thought that this was the best Christmas tree that he had ever seen.  
After Kathy came back with all the needed ingredients, the chaos in the kitchen had started. Virgil looked at the recipe he was handed and snorted out loud.  
"What?" Logan asked and looked over his shoulder.  
"This is a loganberry pie?!" Virgil exclaimed and started laughing. "Oh my God, this is perfect."  
"Yeah, it's a tradition," Kathy grinned. "Logan secretly loves it."  
"Oh, do I now," Logan raised his eyebrows and shook his head.  
"Maya said," Logan's brother spoke up, "that we gave it to Virgil to make because he's already doing Logan so it would be easy for him."  
Silence has set in as everyone looked at him in shock. Maya flushed and covered her face.  
"Shut the heck up, Pete!" She hissed, but, obviously, it was already too late.  
"Okay, you two," Kathy pointed at Pete and Maya, "we need to talk. I am so sorry, Virgil." She took the kids to another room and left Logan and Virgil alone. They looked at each other in silence for a while and then collectively burst into laughter.  
"Wow," Virgil leaned against the fridge. "That was a good one."  
"That's one good thing about younger siblings," Logan said. "At least they're funny."  
They continued to work on their recipes. Kathy soon enough came back with an innocently looking Pete who didn't know what just happened and a still red-faced Maya who dared not even look at Virgil.  
When they finished baking they sat in front of the TV to watch Sherlock again.  
"How many times have we watched these three seasons, huh?" Virgil asked, cuddling to Logan on the couch.  
"I have no idea. But I do know that I've probably memorized all the dialogues by now," Logan laughed.  
"Yeah. It's still better than fourth season though."  
"Oh, don't even get me started," Logan rolled his eyes. "I could write an essay on that."  
They watched half of the episode when Logan's dad came back with Christmas lights to put on the house. Logan and Virgil helped, and the house was looking awesome by ten pm. After dinner they finished watching Sherlock all sitting in the living room (apparently Logan's family had seen it five times already so they didn't need to start over) and went to sleep in anticipation for Christmas Eve the next day.  
***  
The day started with a sunny morning. There was literally not a cloud in the sky. After breakfast, the whole family started to prepare the house for the guests that were to come for dinner. Virgil was down all day though; he was going home today. Logan offered to drive him all the way to his town, but he still couldn't believe that he's leaving this paradise. I guess I have to come back to reality eventually, he thought. Exactly, he did not deserve a family like this. He deserved just what he got; an abusive asshole of a father and a mom too weak to do something about it. Because he was exactly like them. Too weak. Not enough.  
"Virge, can you wash these bowls, I'm gonna put salads in them," Kathy asked, throwing a towel at Maya who just screamed that Pete spilled juice on the floor.  
Virgil took a deep breath and pushed the thoughts of his family away. He still was with Logan, he still could be happy. He started washing the dishes when he heard continuous taps on the window. He looked there and saw that it started to rain.  
"Wow, and it was so nice in the morning," Kathy pointed out and shrugged. "Hope my little powerhouse of the cell will drive carefully."  
"Ma, please do not do that," Logan said from the other room. "Virgil, stop laughing, that is not funny."  
"But it is," Virgil high-fived Kathy and laughed even harder. "I'm gonna call you mitochondrium from now on."  
"Try me, bitch," Logan straightened up and crossed his arms.  
"Logan, language!" Kathy fetched him a blow with a towel on her way to the living room.  
"Since when are you quoting vines?" Virgil raised his eyebrows.  
"Since you all quote them and I pick up the good ones," Logan shrugged and grinned. He looked at the clock and sighed. "Are you done? Cause we gotta take off."  
But at the same time they heard a loud thunder. Pete screamed and hugged Kathy who stroked his hair.  
"It's just a storm, there's nothing to worry about, sweetie."  
"It looks pretty big though," Logan frowned.  
"Where did all these clouds come from?" Virgil muttered.  
"South," Logan answered automatically. Virgil looked at him, surprised.  
"I didn't expect an answer," he laughed.  
"Maybe you should wait it out," Logan's dad made his way to the window. "It's not safe to travel in that kind of a thunderstorm."  
Logan looked at Virgil.  
"Is that okay?"  
Virgil shrugged. He did not wanna leave.  
"I think I can stay longer."  
"And, of course, if there's a need, you can stay with us till tomorrow, sweetie," Kathy said.  
"It would be my pleasure," he assured with a smile but there was a thick knot in his stomach by now.  
"Your dad's gonna be very mad, isn't he?" Logan guessed.  
"Yeah," Virgil said with a weak voice. "Big time."  
"You can try to call him," Logan offered.  
"Okay," Virgil nodded and took out his phone. He dialed but there was no reception. "It must be the storm."  
"Yeah, looks like you're stuck with us," Logan smiled slightly and put a little kiss on his lips. "And it's not your fault that there is a storm, so he can't really blame you, can he?"  
Then he disappeared into the living room. Virgil nodded and sighed, putting the phone in his pocket.  
"Yeah, tell him that."  
***  
The storm did not end till it was definitely too late to drive Virgil home. All the guests came over and Virgil felt a bit uncomfortable with all those people he didn't know, but Logan predicted it and excused them pretty early.  
"Family gatherings can be very exhausting, don't worry," Logan waved his hand.  
They talked about everything and anything for a while till Kathy came to Logan's room.  
"Hey, boys, come and try the loganberry pie! It's delicious!"  
Virgil laughed at the memory of the making of the pie.  
"Let's go, Loganberry, we're gonna try some logan pie!"  
"Oh, let it go, will you?" Logan rolled his eyes with a laugh.  
"No, because you love it," Virgil shrugged. "You're just as sweet as a loganberry, trust me."  
Logan snorted.  
Loganberry pie was indeed delicious and a whole table of people Virgil didn't know praised his cooking skills. There it was again. This smile that couldn't possibly leave his face. He realized that he started to like this smile.  
The rest of the evening went smooth, exchanging presents was surprisingly entertaining for Virgil, even though he didn't get any (Logan shared his sweets with him though) and after the guests were gone and the necessary cleaning was done, everyone was so tired that they all went to sleep right away. Even Virgil didn't spend a second wondering what his father will have to say. He just cuddled to Logan and felt completely safe, warm and happy inside, unaware of what was yet to come.  
***  
Virgil waved Logan goodbye and watched his car disappear around the corner. Then he turned around to face the door to his house. He took a deep breath and tried to ignore his shaking hands. _It's gonna be fine,_ he repeated in his head, even though he knew it wasn't true.  
He opened the door and entered the house.  
It was quiet. The living room was cleaned and empty. He checked the kitchen and saw his mom by the kitchen table.  
"Hi, mom," he said quietly. She turned around and smiled.  
"Hey, sweetheart. Where have you been?"  
"At Logan's," he answered carefully. "I wanted to come back yesterday like we agreed, but there was a huge storm and there was also no reception - "  
"What a lucky coincidence, isn't it?" He heard a cold voice behind him that made all of his muscles tense. He turned around to face his father. He was taller than him, had a raw, long face and a big moustache, as if not from this century. His eyes had the color of cold steel and his gaze indeed felt like a knife by Virgil's throat.  
"It's not my fault that there was a storm," Virgil said slowly, feeling anger rising within him. "I can't control the weather."  
"Don't be arrogant, young man," he shook his head. "You should have marched straight home then. Your so called friends are less important than your family."  
"Logan is my boyfriend," he said firmly before he could stop himself. He wanted to add something more, but his voice froze in his throat under his father’s glare.  
"No, no, my boy," his father laughed, but there was no amusement in it. "You don't have a boyfriend. We've talked about this, haven't we? I thought you understood that this abomination is just a flight of fantasy of yours. You're an adult now, Virgil! There is no time for playing anymore.”  
Virgil was quiet.  
"I see that I have to repeat my lesson," his father sighed. Virgil's mom stood up.  
"Paul - " she started weakly, but sat back down under his glare.  
"I'm gonna teach you this lesson effectively this time, boy. Do not make me do this again," his father grasped his shirt and dragged him to another room. For the next hour the only thing Virgil's mother heard was the hits of her husband’s belt and the quiet groans of her son.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: depression, anxiety, verbal abuse, homophobia, panic attack

Virgil couldn't sleep. He heard his mom crying in their bedroom but she stopped after some harsh words from his father. He took his phone out and opened the group chat he had with his friends.  
emo_nightmare: hey you awake?  
He locked the phone and laid back on his bed, sighing. Tears welled up in his eyes. The air above him seemed to push him down, as if gravity worked twice as hard. His phone buzzed but for a second, he couldn't find the strength to move his hand to unlock it. He wished he could just stop existing. Or die. Or exchange lives with someone. Anyone. Anything would be better than this.  
He finally grabbed his phone and unlocked it.  
KingRoman: ye, sup?  
emo_nightmare: uh  
emo_nightmare: my dad's being a dick  
KingRoman: what did he do??  
emo_nightmare: is homophobic af  
emo_nightmare: told me being gay is a sin and all that shit  
KingRoman: omfg screw him honestly  
KingRoman: dont listen to him virge  
KingRoman: being gay is the best thing that could ever happen to anyone  
KingRoman: i mean look at all those CUTE boys amirite  
KingRoman: and if you werent gay you wouldnt be with logan  
KingRoman: and i cant imagine how fun must that be  
The Adult: Roman. Please. Stop.  
KingRoman: ohh did we wake the sleeping princess up?  
The Adult: Actually yes, you did. Can you stop spamming the conversation?  
KingRoman: ha, i am blessing him with my words and he calls it spam  
KingRoman: honestly, shame on you, logan  
The Adult: Night.  
Virgil put the phone away and hid his face in the pillow. Just a couple of days more and he will come back to college, he thought to himself, praying for a miracle to make living here more bearable.  
But in the morning, his father came to his room and closed the door, waking Virgil up.  
"I want to talk to you," he started, "since I'm not sure we quite understood each other yesterday."  
Virgil tensed up and swallowed.  
"You're an adult, but I'm still your father. My job is to teach you how this world works. And trust me, your friends have a really bad influence on you." He sat beside him on the bed and stroked his hair. "I'm doing this for you, Virgil. As long as you listen to me, everything is going to be okay. Trust me."  
Virgil bit his lip and nodded.  
"Okay. Now listen. You need to distance yourself from these people. You need to go on your own and stop depending on them, okay?" He looked in Virgil's eyes to see if he understood. He did. "You go back to college, you stop hanging out with them. You find a pleasant job and you do it. You earn money and you start off your life perfectly. Does that sound good?"  
Virgil nodded, despite everything within him screaming 'no'.  
"Good," he smiled and rubbed Virgil's head. "Come on, your mom has made breakfast."  
***  
Kathy took out five champagne glasses and Logan’s dad filled them with champagne. Kathy gave him three additional glasses for alcohol-free champagne for kids.  
Logan handed the glasses around to his aunt and her wife and the alcohol-free ones to his siblings and his aunts’ daughter. She was a little, cute black girl with tumbling curls tied on the sides in two bunches.  
They raised their glasses when the countdown started. Midnight struck and the fireworks started to explode in the sky. Shadow hid under the covers on Logan’s bed while people cheered, welcoming a new year.  
“So, Logan,” his aunt started, leaning towards him on the couch and putting her hands together. “I hear you have a boyfriend.”  
Of course she heard, Logan thought. She was his mom’s twin sister and they talked about _everything_.  
“Exactly, Loganberry,” Kathy joined them and took a sip of her champagne. “Is it serious between you? He’s such a sweet boy.”  
Logan sighed.  
“As serious as it can get in college, I guess,” he shrugged. “We’re not getting married.”  
“Yet,” his aunt nodded with a know-it-all smile. “I met Luna in college too. And look at us now.”  
“Oh, it would be amazing!” Kathy exclaimed. “He would always be welcome at our house to bake us the loganberry pie, isn’t that right?” She laughed. “Besides, Shadow misses him already. I think you may have some competition in him.”  
Logan snorted, but there was a warm feeling in his chest that wasn’t caused by alcohol. He really liked the vision of marrying Virgil, even if it seemed unrealistic for now.  
“Yeah, I’m not even thinking about getting married yet, so.”  
“Of course, you still have time,” Kathy stroked his cheek. “But you two seem really happy together.”  
***  
The snow was falling as Sherlock Holmes closed the door of the house under 221B on Baker Street. He adjusted his hat and put up the collar of his coat. He made a few steps and waved a hand for a taxi.  
That’s when the door to Logan’s room opened and he paused the movie. He turned around to see Virgil with his suitcase in the corridor. He was wearing the purple hoodie that Roman gave him and his hair was dyed purple on the top.  
“Virgil!” He smiled and stood up.  
“Logan,” Virgil breathed, made his way to him and kissed him. Logan returned the kiss, somewhat surprised but certainly happy.  
“I missed you,” he broke the kiss and just hugged him tightly. Something in Virgil’s voice though alerted Logan’s senses. Was it desperation? Or had he just missed him so much? Also, did he detect sadness?  
“Is everything okay, Virgil?” Logan asked, pulling away and taking a look at his boyfriend’s face. Virgil hesitated.  
“Yeah. Everything’s fine,” he looked away and his glance landed on the computer. The expression on his face immediately changed to playfully offended.  
“You’re watching the Christmas Special without me?” He raised his eyebrows. “How dare you.”  
“I was just checking if everything was working for tonight,” Logan eyed him, still careful, but he smiled. “I even bought Crofters,” he grinned.  
“Oh yeah, I heard you’re cheating on me with it,” Virgil raised his eyebrows, amused.  
“Roman?” Logan made sure.  
“Yep.”  
Logan looked at Virgil for a moment and then they both burst into laughter.  
They both sat on the bed, then Virgil placed his head on Logan’s shoulder and focused on the movie. When it ended he realized that he felt happy again. The week after Christmas was a disaster for him, as always when he was with his parents, but he was back home, his real home, with Logan where he was safe and accepted. He smiled slowly and kissed Logan’s neck. Logan pulled his head back and put his left hand around Virgil’s shoulders to pull him closer. He ran his hand through his hair.  
“I do actually love the purple on you,” he whispered. Virgil smirked.  
“Thanks. Don’t you wanna dye your hair?”  
“Me? In what universe?” He asked with laughter. “Dye doesn’t go with the tie.”  
“So now you’re rhyming?” Virgil giggled.  
Logan pulled away a bit to look Virgil in the face.  
“I do have an appreciation for poetry,” he said and grinned at Virgil’s doubtful expression. “I once beat Roman in a rap battle.”  
“What?” Virgil laughed and looked at him with wide eyes. “Really?”  
Logan shrugged, trying to be modest.  
“He wanted to prove that he's better at lyrical duelling. Oh, I need to say that proving Roman wrong is easily one of the best feelings in the whole world.”  
***  
Another six months had passed. Virgil tried to keep his anxiety on hold, but it was slowly getting out of control. It was acting up since Christmas, due to the fact that he was blatantly ignoring everything he’d promised to his father and he was sure he’d find a way to find out, and even though he’d told Logan about his symptoms (he didn’t mention the cause though, he decided that Logan didn’t have to worry about that) and they tried to find ways to ease it, nothing was working. Logan kept asking him whether there was a reason for it to rise, but Virgil kept lying that he didn’t know, or that it was school, or that there was no reason at all. But there was a reason. And this reason called again after six months, when Virgil was alone in the library, studying for the last exam on English literature before the holidays.  
He picked up the phone with shaking hands and walked out of the library not to disturb the silence.  
“Father?” His voice was quiet.  
“Have you done what I asked you to do?” He asked without any greeting.  
Virgil was silent.  
“You’re still with that boy, aren’t you?”  
“Why are you calling me?” Virgil clenched his teeth in anger. “I’m busy.”  
“What are you doing?”  
“Studying.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yes,” he growled, annoyed. “I have an exam in an hour.”  
“Change your tone, young man, and mind who you’re talking to.”  
_An arrogant, selfish dick_ , Virgil thought, but obviously didn’t say that.  
“My apologies.”  
“Good. I want you to move from your room in the dorms.”  
Virgil blinked at this sudden request.  
“What now?”  
“You heard me.”  
“I’m not doing that.”  
“Why not?”  
“Why would I?” Virgil frowned.  
His father sighed.  
“You’re a disgrace to this family. I don’t want you to live with this Logan of yours. And I’m not joking.”  
“You can’t make me - ”  
“I’ll stop giving you money. Or do you have a job that’ll put food on the table for you? Will you have anywhere to go?” When silence answered him, he spit, “that’s what I thought. You have the entire holidays to do the paperwork and all that. For the next semester I want you in another room, far away from these people. Is that clear?”  
Virgil couldn’t answer. He couldn’t speak. The world around him was spinning, so he had to lean against the wall not to fall. His legs suddenly went weak.  
“I asked if it was clear, Virgil.”  
“Yes,” he whispered, almost inaudibly.  
“Good. Then get to it,” that was a goodbye.  
Virgil lowered his phone and stared into the air in front of him, but he didn’t see anything. He wanted to cry. He couldn’t just let go of Logan. He couldn’t let go of the one person who made him want to wake up in the morning. Who always managed to ground him, to ease his anxiety, to make him happy. Logan was everything to him now and he couldn’t just abandon him.  
And yet the thought of asking him for help was like a terrifying nightmare. It was more terrifying than his father. He’d dealt with him all his life, but Logan- Logan would hate him for that. He’d say that he’s not a functional human being, that he’s weak, that he should get his life together and he would leave, because who wants to deal with such a screw-up like him?  
No, he couldn’t ask Logan for help. He shouldn’t have to deal with his stupid problems, he deserved so much better. He deserved someone better than him.  
“Virgil? Hey, are you okay?” He heard Patton’s voice and he saw his friend running to him. He put his hand on his shoulder. “You’re pale. What happened?”  
“I’m always pale, Pat,” he tried to laugh. It actually came out pretty good. His voice wasn’t as shaky as he'd expected. Good. “I’m okay. Nothing happened. I’m just stressed out, you know, we have the exam in literature in, like - ” he looked at the clock on the phone and swore under his nose, “ten minutes. Gotta go, see you later!”  
“Good luck to you both!” Patton yelled after him.  
The exam was a train wreck for Virgil. He couldn’t focus at all, he’d barely written anything. He couldn’t decide what to do and for the first time in more than a year and a half he felt that he’s completely alone with an unsolvable problem. Every decision was a bad decision. _Like in Greek tragedies_ , came to his head.  
He was shaking when he handed the test back. He walked out of the classroom and opened the window in the corridor. He closed his eyes and tried to calm his breath. _Easy. Four in. Seven hold. Eight out. And again._  
“It’s okay, Virge,” he heard Logan’s voice and he jumped, startled. Logan raised his hands in a peaceful gesture. “It’s okay. I’m here. Wanna talk about it?”  
Virgil swallowed, as his heart doubled its speed. He _desperately_ wanted to tell Logan about the phone call. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t.  
“No. It’s just one stupid test. Doesn’t matter,” he shook his head and looked out the window. “Let’s not think about it for now. I mean, holidays are here, right?”  
“Yes, they indeed are. Focus on the present and you’ll be okay,” Logan smiled softly and put his hand on his shoulder. “Do you want me to read you a book again?”  
Virgil hesitated for a moment. He felt like a child. But then he waved it aside. Doesn’t matter. Those might have been his last days to hear so much of Logan’s voice, so he needed to use it.  
“Yes, I do.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: anxiety, panic attack, self-deprecation  
> Also I did not fact check anything related to the rules in the dorms cause I'm too lazy so sorry for any mistakes.  
> Enjoy the pain :)

When Logan came back to the campus in October he was met with some news that he did not anticipate.  
“What do you mean he moved out?” He asked the woman with a British accent on the phone.  
“He handed the papers in and he said that he wanted to occupy a single room. He had the money so we moved him. So you need to find someone else to share your room with or pay the whole price yourself.”  
Logan stopped the questions crowding in his head and thanked the woman for the alert. He then, still standing on the pavement, immediately dialed Virgil’s number.  
All he got was the busy tone. Logan sighed, frowned with concern, and went to his room. He noticed that all the things Virgil left here while leaving in the summer, had disappeared. He felt pain in his chest. What happened? Was it something he’d done? Virgil seemed perfectly fine when they talked during the holidays. This year was busy for him and he said he couldn’t meet but he was there, texting… Logan dropped his bags and sat on his bed. Was he lying? But why would he? What could have possibly happened? Logan thought they were happy. Well, he certainly was, but he thought, he was sure that Virgil, too, appreciated their relationship. Then why…?  
His phone rang, making him jump. He quickly looked at the screen with hope, but needed to hold back a sigh of disappointment when he saw Patton’s name on it.  
“Salutations.”  
“Are you and Virgil here already? Me and Roman just got here and - ”  
“Roman and I,” Logan automatically corrected him.  
“What? Ah, right, sorry. Anyways, we missed you guys!”  
“Yes… Well, I don’t know where Virgil is. The dorm receptionist just called me and said that he moved out.”  
“Wait, what?” Patton lost his spark.  
“I don’t know. He won’t pick up his phone, but his things are indeed gone.”  
“We’ll be there in a sec, Logan,” he said and hung up. Logan sighed, lied down and stared at the ceiling. He started to wonder if the last two years were even real. He turned his head to the left to see the rest of the room, but there was nothing that belonged particularly to Virgil. Everything was either Logan’s or belonged to the standard room equipment. He didn’t leave anything.  
It was like he’d never even been here.  
He felt tears gathering in his eyes. He blinked. Come on. Nothing happened. If Virgil felt bad with something about their relationship, he’d surely say something. Or would he? What if he was too anxious? But ducking out wasn’t a way to solve the situation. It, in fact, made the situation even worse.  
Logan suddenly felt anger and got up to a sitting position. He took his phone and dialed Virgil’s number again.  
Silence.  
He dialed once again. And again. He finally threw the phone on the bed and hid his face in his hands. What was going on?  
Roman and Patton came about five minutes later. They also tried to reach Virgil, but there was silence each and every time.  
***  
In the meantime, Virgil was in the middle of a panic attack. He was sat in his new, single room, but didn’t bother to switch the lights on. The holidays full of lying to his friends were a nightmare and have awoken the demons inside of him, which he’d managed to put to sleep for the last one and a half year. But now they were back, with full force.  
He curled up on his bed, unable to stop shaking while his phone rang again and again. At first it was only Logan. Then Roman and Patton joined in. So they knew now. They must have been pissed off. They hated him, for sure. They wouldn’t take him back now. Why would they?  
Virgil sobbed and put his hand on his stomach. He always felt sick during the attacks. He curled up under the covers because he shivered from the cold, but it was too hot at the same time. He tried to keep his breath steady, but the ringing phone kept destroying his balance. He could turn it off, but he didn’t. He deserved this.  
When the panic finally faded, he managed to drink a glass of water and eat some bread. He then curled up on his bed again and cried himself to sleep, trying not to think about the next day.  
***  
The next day came way faster than Virgil would have wanted. He was woken up by the alarm and looked at his schedule. “Literature.” Of all the classes he just had to start with the one that he shared with Logan, right?  
He longed to see him. He wanted to hug him again so badly, to hear his voice. He wanted him to tell him that everything would be alright, but that wasn’t going to happen. He screwed up everything like he always did and the brief moments of happiness were a joke or a mistake of the universe. How was he supposed to explain to Logan what had happened? He hated him. He didn’t love him anymore. He won’t forgive him. There was no way out of this mess for Virgil.  
He did go to the classes though. He was shaking all over but he did go. And when he saw him, his heart almost gave out. He lost the ability to talk or move or to do pretty much anything. And so his plan of hiding himself went to hell when Logan saw him.  
His flight reflex kicked in and he turned around, pretending he didn’t see the man. He certainly didn’t think this through. He ran out of the building and when he made sure he’s not being followed, he ran further; he didn’t even know where. He just ran. Tears streamed down his face when he finally stopped before the cafe they used to go to together with Roman and Patton. He calmed his breath and wiped away the tears. He thought tea would be good. He entered the cafe and ordered a light tea.  
He sat at the table and hid his face in his hands. He took a sip of his tea when the waitress brought it, and proceeded to take slow, deep breaths. He didn’t notice Patton coming in until he joined him at the table.  
“Virgil!” He sat in front of him, frowning. Virgil straightened up, all his attempts to relax had gone out the window. “What’s going on? You’re not picking up calls, and hell, why did you move out of Logan’s room?”  
The pure confusion on Patton’s face made Virgil want to tell him everything. But he knew that he couldn’t. He was alone in this.  
“I have… It’s not gonna work out. None of this,” he faltered, having absolutely no idea what to say.  
“What’s not gonna work out?” Patton leaned forward with deep worry in his eyes. “Virge, talk to us.”  
Virgil shook his head, barely holding tears back.  
“I can’t, Patton, I- I just can’t,” he sighed. “I’m sorry.”  
“Virgil, I don’t understand,” Patton had tears in his eyes and Virgil’s heart broke.  
“I’m just saying,” he sighed, trying to pull his thoughts together and make understandable words out of them, “that you’ll be better off without me. You deserve better, Logan deserves better.”  
“Stop it,” Patton shook his head. “We love you, Logan especially. You’re breaking his heart.”  
Virgil swallowed.  
“It’s better for everyone this way,” he said quietly with resignation and put the money for tea on the table. “Just - leave me alone. All of you.”  
Then he walked out.  
***  
After the literature class, which he didn’t even remember, Logan made his way to the café, since he had a one hour break. He noticed Patton sitting there, staring numbly at the table.  
“Patton,” Logan sat in front of him but before he could say anything else Patton said: “I talked to Virgil.”  
He raised his eyebrows.  
“What’s going on then?” He rushed.  
Patton bit his lip, still staring at the table.  
“I have no idea,” he sighed, tears welling up in his eyes again. “He said something about how this is not gonna work out and that we deserve better than him - ” his voice cracked.  
“What?” Logan frowned. “Where is he now?”  
“I don’t know,” Patton’s voice heightened in pitch. “He went somewhere outside the campus, I’ve seen him go out. He could be anywhere.”  
Logan had one idea where he could be though.  
“Logan,” Patton looked at him, his eyes glittering with tears, “I’m worried about him.”  
“Everything will be fine, Pat,” Logan patted his hand. “I think I know where he is. I’ll find him.”  
He quickly made his way to the old church on the hill and jumped over the fence. Just as he expected, he saw Virgil sitting at the edge of the cliff, staring at the city before him.  
“I thought you were afraid of heights,” Logan started quietly. Virgil jumped and turned around.  
“Logan - ” he begun, but Logan shook his head and sat beside him.  
“If you didn’t like something about our relationship you could’ve just said so,” he didn’t mean to start out so harshly, but he couldn’t stop the anger poisoning his words.  
“No, Logan, you don’t understand - ” Virgil groaned painfully.  
“Yes, you’re right,” he said quietly. “None of us understands shit, Virgil. Would you mind explaining what the hell is going on?”  
Virgil was on the verge of tears, breathing deeply. Logan looked at him.  
“Is this a depressive episode?” He asked, now softer. “Because we can help you.”  
“No, Logan,” Virgil shook his head. “You can’t help. It’s over. I - I can’t do this anymore.”  
Logan blinked.  
“What does that mean?” He asked vapidly.  
Virgil looked at him with pain in his eyes.  
“It means it’s over. Us. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. It’s not gonna work out. And the friendship, too. You honestly don’t deserve this.”  
“Yeah, we don’t,” Logan agreed. “And you don’t deserve it either. Why are you doing this to yourself? What are you trying to achieve?”  
Virgil sighed.  
“Just trust me on this, Logan. You’re gonna be better off without me. It will be better if you all just leave me alone.”  
“Virgil, please - ”  
“No,” his voice gained some decisiveness. “Leave me alone.”  
He got up and disappeared down the hill. Logan did not follow him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, uh, here we go, please don't kill me after this  
> Warnings: graphic suicide attempt, self harm, depression, verbal abuse, anxiety, panic attack

_emo_nightmare has left the conversation_  
happypappypatton: :’( :’( :’(  
KingRoman: wait  
KingRoman: have i missed something?  
happypappypatton: Lo, u here?  
The Adult: Meet me in the café in ten minutes. We need to talk.

When Logan got to the café, Roman and Patton were already sitting there. He sat in front of them and took a deep breath.  
“He wants us to leave him alone,” he shook his head with resignation. “Also he broke up with me. He said we were better off without him and that he can’t do this anymore.”  
Roman frowned.  
“What does that mean?”  
“It means,” Logan waved to the waitress, “that he is deep in his depression, for some reason. We need to help him.”  
He ordered coffee, forcing a smile to be nice to the waitress.  
“But what are we gonna do?” Patton looked at Logan long-faced.  
Logan sighed.  
“I’m working on it,” he said. “We need to get him to talk to us. Actually talk to us.”  
“Yeah, there must be a reason, right?” Roman agreed. “This change is so sudden, like, he seemed a-okay during holidays.”  
“Have you noticed how he was so busy though?” Patton asked, biting his lip. “Isn’t that weird? I thought he didn’t like his family that much.”  
Something clicked in Logan’s mind.  
“It’s his father,” he said. Roman and Patton looked at him. “We spent Christmas at my place a year ago. He told me that his father was abusive and he would always yell at him. Maybe it has something to do with him.”  
“That’s a lead,” Roman nodded.  
“Yeah. We just need to find a way to talk to him.”  
“Yes, and preferably not all at once,” Logan suggested, and seeing frowns on his friends’ faces, he added, “he’s gonna feel attacked and surrounded and he’s gonna panic.”  
“Okay,” Patton nodded. “Logan, I think you should go. You know him better than we do.”  
Logan nodded and took a sip of his coffee.  
“I can find his room for you,” Roman offered. “I’ve got friends in the reception.”  
“Great,” Logan smiled sadly. “Text me where it is. I gotta go to classes now.”  
***  
In the meantime, Virgil was sitting in the dark of his room again, not even caring that he was skipping a lot of classes. He couldn’t find the strength to get up or do anything but lie on the bed, his phone on his chest. He didn’t know what he was waiting for; his friends to call him? He wouldn’t pick up anyway. Why would they call though? He wasn’t worth it. He was a straight up failure and he screwed everything up.  
The phone started buzzing. Virgil hoped it was Logan, or any of his friends, but his heart sank when he saw the caller’s name. He felt anger when he picked up.  
“What do you want?” He asked dryly.  
“Is that any way to greet your father?”  
“You don’t greet me in any way, I don’t see why I shouldn’t return the favor.”  
“Careful.”  
“I’ve done everything you asked me to do, okay?” Virgil broke. “I’ve given up the best people I have met in my entire life for your sake, what the fuck more do you want me to do?”  
“I want you to find yourself a job. Get your life together already,” his father sounded annoyed. “I won’t be there for you all your life. You need to wake up, you’re not a child anymore. You need to understand that I'm doing this for you. And don’t swear when you talk to me.”  
Virgil clenched his teeth, trying to stop the tears from coming.  
“I’m trying, okay?” He whispered to the phone. “I’m trying my best.”  
“Well, that’s not enough,” he said vapidly. “I wanna see you have a job in two weeks. Your mother and I don’t have that much money to waste on you. That’s an order.”  
“You can’t - ” Virgil began, but his father had already hung up. He sighed and leaned against the desk. He closed his eyes, suddenly exhausted. All of his strength went away, he was left alone in a dark room to deal with his demons that were already crawling up the walls. He slid down the wall to the floor and pulled his knees up, putting his arms around them. Everything was falling apart. He was so happy in the beginning, but now - now everything fell to pieces. He never deserved any of this and the universe had finally gotten around to fixing that mistake. Maybe Virgil should fix some mistakes himself.  
He shrugged these thoughts off. He promised himself he won’t go back to them. He promised it’ll be okay. He swore college was a new start.  
Then why did it feel like nothing changed? Why did he still feel like a child that needs his father’s approval? Why couldn’t he go and get a job, like the rest of society?  
He hid his face in his hands and waited for tears, but they didn’t come. He just stayed like this, surrounded by darkness, the pain and the weight in his chest not letting him get up.  
He stayed like that for what seemed like hours. He didn’t mind. He could stay like this forever. He wasn’t needed. No one would come and save him in this non-existent void. He was all alone, left to die.  
Suddenly he heard a knock on the door. He ignored it. Whoever that was didn’t matter. All that mattered was Virgil’s endless suffering.  
They knocked again but even if Virgil wanted to let them in he didn’t have the strength to get up or even say something.  
Then his phone buzzed. It was a message from Logan. “I’m at your door. Please let me in.”  
He felt pain in his heart. Next text. “Please.”  
Virgil sighed.  
“It’s open!” He said as loudly as he could. Logan apparently heard it, because he entered the room and switched the light on. Virgil squinted.  
“Why are you sitting in the dark?” He asked.  
“Is that what you wanted to talk about?” Virgil answered harshly. Logan was surprised with his tone but didn’t comment on it.  
“Can I sit?” He asked pointing on the carpet. Virgil shrugged, so Logan sat down and looked at him.  
“I’m gonna be straightforward, okay?” He began softly. “Is your low connected to your father?”  
Virgil looked away. Logan pursed his lips.  
“Did he do something to you?”  
Virgil sat up and crossed his arms on his chest.  
“It’s none of your business.”  
“Except it is!” Logan exclaimed with surprise. “I may not be your boyfriend anymore, but I am still your friend! I care about you and that makes it my business.”  
Virgil sighed.  
“I told you to leave me alone, Logan. We are over.”  
Logan stood up, anger rising in his eyes.  
“We’re just trying to help you, for fuck’s sake, Virgil! Why won’t you let us?”  
“Because it’s my problem, okay?” Virgil also raised his voice. “I don’t want you getting involved. I told you, you are all better off without me. You’re gonna be happier without me bringing you down.”  
“But you’re not - “  
“Of course I am, Logan, don’t lie to me,” Virgil’s voice got colder.  
“What did your father tell you?” Logan suddenly changed the subject.  
“Nothing.”  
“Virgil, you stop lying to me. What did he say?”  
Virgil pursed his lips.  
“Come on, don’t be a child,” Logan rolled his eyes. “We don’t have to play this game anymore.”  
“But I am a child,” Virgil shook his head. “That’s why I need to go on my own, find a job and be independent. I’m too weak to fight him, Logan.”  
“What did he tell you, that made you completely and suddenly leave us, Virgil?” Logan pushed.  
Virgil sighed.  
“He said he’s gonna cut off my money. He would leave me alone. But I can’t be alone, Logan, I’m not good enough to be on my own!”  
“And you didn’t think we would help you?” Logan sounded outraged.  
“I’m too much of a bother,” Virgil shook his head. “I told you to leave me, didn’t I? And look, I know how this looks like, but I honestly think you will be better off without me. Getting close to me was a mistake, Logan. So I’m backing off. And I’m doing this for you.”  
“Oh, no,” Logan laughed sarcastically. “You’re doing this for _yourself_ , Virgil. Only for yourself. You let this man blackmail you and you refuse any help we want to give you. You know what? I’m tired of this. I’m tired of you and your self-destructiveness. I don’t care anymore.” He made his way to the door and opened it. Before he walked out, he added, “and now you are _truly_ alone.”  
The sound of Logan slamming the door stayed in Virgil’s head for a while.  
He sat at his desk, staring vapidly at its surface. He felt surrounded and trapped again, but now there was no way out of the cage. None but one. Virgil closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was better this way for everyone.  
He checked the time. It was half past four pm but it was already dark outside. Winter was coming. _Great time to give up._  
There was a hurricane of thoughts inside his head so he blinked and took a couple of deep breaths to clear his mind. He took out a piece of paper and started writing.  
He finished two hours later. He expected himself to cry, but he didn’t feel anything. He was completely, utterly empty. He folded the paper and left it on the desk. Then he went to the bathroom and took out a razor blade that he bought just in case. In a case like this.  
He sat in the bathtub, rolled the sleeve of his hoodie up and put the blade on his wrist. No one would care anyway. No, wait, he thought, Patton and Roman would. His heart sank at the thought of them being sad because of him. But he couldn’t possibly take this any longer. This was the only way out for him. He couldn’t do this anymore. So he put pressure on the blade and moved it along his vain. The blood appeared before the pain. But when it came it was almost unbearable. Virgil almost dropped the razor and wanted to scream, but he kept going. He had to. Because life and the pain associated with it was even worse.  
He made as many cuts as he could on both of his arms, until the razor slipped away from his fingers, slick from the blood. He was panting, losing blood really quickly. He noticed that everything around him was bloodied now, the bathtub, his clothes. He created a hell of a mess.  
He closed his eyes, feeling his heart slow down. He felt lightheaded and everything started to spin, first slowly, then faster. _Please, let this end already_ , he thought, not sure if he was just crying inside or outside as well. His skin tingled, he almost went completely numb. But suddenly he felt a warm grip on his shoulder. He opened his eyes with effort.  
“Virgil, stay with me, do you hear me?” Logan was pale, his voice shaking. The world around Virgil’s eyesight was blurry at the edges but he managed to see that Logan had a black cloth in his hand.  
“I called the ambulance, they’ll be here any minute,” Logan continued, for some reason touching his arms. He was glancing at his eyes every now and then. That’s where Virgil looked as well. His beautiful blue eyes. That he would never see again.  
The world blurred again. He was so tired. He wanted to sleep. His eyes were so heavy…  
“No, no, no, Virgil, stay awake,” Logan sounded terrified. “Virgil, listen to me. Focus on my voice, can you do that for me?”  
Virgil nodded imperceptibly. He could do that. Listen to this voice for some more time. But the air was so heavy. He wanted to sleep. He couldn’t keep his eyes open.  
“I - ” he could barely move his lips. “I’m sorry…”  
“Shut up and stay with me, please,” Logan begged and squeezed his shoulder. “Look at me, Virgil. Look at me one more time, please.”  
Virgil groaned and blinked slowly. He couldn’t really see Logan, only a blur at this point. He mumbled “I’m sorry” again but he wasn’t sure he made any sound whatsoever. Then everything went dark.  
***  
Logan slammed the door to Virgil’s room and furiously went down and outside the building. Fresh winter air refreshed his face, but the anger was still burning in his heart. He didn’t want to care about Virgil anymore. He refused to accept any help whatsoever, so what else could he do? He had to leave him. There was literally nothing else that he could do. So why even bother? It’s not worth it. Virgil will be fine if he says he will. That’s his problem now.  
Logan went back to his classes and put his mind into it. His anger faded with time and when he finished his classes he felt guilt. Maybe he should’ve tried harder. Or be kinder and more understanding. It surely wasn’t easy for Virgil; it was depression after all. Logan had no idea what Virgil was actually going through.  
He decided to go back and apologize. He didn’t deserve to be left alone and the last words that he said to him were burning a mark in his mind. “And now you’re truly alone.” How big of an asshole he must have been to say something like that?  
He made his way to the building and climbed up the stairs. He knocked on the door but there was no answer.  
“Virgil, let me in, I wanna apologize!” He yelled and knocked again. “I’m an asshole, I shouldn’t have said anything like that!”  
Silence.  
Logan pressed the handle and the door opened. Logan raised his eyebrows but came in.  
Virgil was not in his bedroom, but there was light on in the bathroom.  
“Virgil, I want to apolo-” he knocked on the door, but it opened. He stopped short when he saw what was inside.  
He didn’t know what to do for the first couple of seconds. The first thing he saw was blood, _a lot_ of blood coming out of the deep cuts on Virgil’s arms. Logan felt all blood ooze away from his face. With shaking hands he took out his phone and dialed 911.  
“Virgil, no, please,” he whispered. He had difficulty breathing.  
“911, what’s your emergency?”  
“My friend cut his wrists and is bleeding out,” Logan said with a weak voice. He answered the rest of the questions, frantically looking for something to cover Virgil’s wounds with. He found a black shirt on the floor and took it. The lady in the emergency said the ambulance is on the way and hung up.  
Logan caught Virgil’s shoulder and kneeled next to the bathtub.  
“Virgil, stay with me, do you hear me?” Virgil opened his eyes sleepily.  
“I called the ambulance, they’ll be here any minute,” Logan assured, at the same time wrapping his arms in the shirt. He put pressure on the wounds and expected Virgil to react to the pain somehow. But he didn’t. He just stared into his eyes as if he already was in a different world.  
“Please, don’t let it be too late,” Logan muttered with plea.  
“No, no, no, Virgil, stay awake,” he said louder when he saw Virgil’s eyes closing. “Virgil, listen to me. Focus on my voice, can you do that for me?”  
Virgil blinked, Logan saw he tried to stay awake but was failing. He felt tears streaming down his face.  
“I - ” Virgil struggled to say something. His lips were white as a sheet by now and could barely move. “I’m sorry…”  
“Shut up and stay with me, please,” Logan begged and squeezed his shoulder. “Look at me, Virgil. Look at me one more time, please.”  
Virgil groaned and blinked but his eyes stayed closed. Logan had to double-check if he was still breathing.  
“Virgil, Virgil, come on,” he groaned with a sob, squeezing his shoulder harder. “You can’t give up. Come on…”  
He heard steps and he saw people in red suits with a white plus softly pull him away and take Virgil onto the stretcher and out of the room.  
“No - ” Logan mouthed and leaned against the wall. He lost all of his strength.  
“Are you the one who called?” A young lady with a notepad asked him.  
“Yes, I - I have to go with them…” Logan attempted to get up, but the lady easily kept him down.  
“He’s in good hands now. Don’t worry.”  
“Can I go with them to the hospital?” Logan asked frantically. “I need to make sure he’s alright.”  
“You can’t go in the ambulance, they are gonna need everyone in it to be medically trained, sweetheart,” the lady said and called to someone else to give him some water. He drank a bit and felt a little better.  
“Breathe, okay?” The lady kept talking. “Everything’s going to be okay.”  
Logan nodded and slowed his breathing down. He started to come back to reality. Tears welled up in his eyes.  
“Oh my God,” he whispered. “Is he gonna be okay?”  
“He lost a lot of blood,” the lady was worried. “But we still have hope and so should you. Do you have any friends nearby?”  
Logan nodded.  
“Call them and tell them to get you something to eat and somewhere you can sit. You can go to the hospital whenever you’re ready, but take care of yourself first, okay?” She looked him in the eyes, making sure he understood. “You won’t help him waiting in the hospital anyway, everything’s in the medics’ hands now.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that made me actually cry while writing.  
> Warnings: dissociation, mentions of death, anxiety, panic attack, grief, self-deprecation

Logan was sitting on a bench in the park. He was looking at the world around him but didn't see anything. It was just blank. He never was the first one to feel things, but now everything seemed to be devoid of any emotion even more. He had never felt as numb.  
He was turning a piece of paper in his hands. He had read it a million times. He still didn't feel a single thing.  
Virgil wrote that it wasn't his fault. But wasn't it? He was the one that got angry for no reason. He shouldn't have ever said those things. He should've apologized sooner. He should've...  
He should've been there for him when he needed him.  
Still, those thoughts left him empty inside. Just empty. There was nothing inside of him that would make him feel like a human being.  
He half registered that someone approached him. Patton.  
"Logan," his voice was soft and caring, but muffled from crying. "We need to go."  
He didn't move an inch. He didn't look at his friend. He just stared into the void, his mind blank, his thoughts gone, just there, staring at the blank world of numbness that didn't mean anything now.  
"Logan," Patton whispered once again, holding his arm. "They won't start without you."  
 _If I wasn't an asshole with no sympathy in the first place, they wouldn't have to start at all._  
He stood up, automatically, like a robot. Then he silently and slowly walked towards the cemetery, not looking if Patton was following him. He did not feel his body. Everything felt so distant. Was this real? Was this really happening?  
He reached the place too soon. There weren't many people here, he saw Roman with a tear-stained face, talking quietly to Patton and Virgil's family that was informed about what happened. Somewhere among them was Virgil's father. He wrote in the note about everything he told him to do. Logan supposed that Virgil wanted him to show the note to his father, but he couldn't force himself to go up there and talk to anybody, especially Virgil's homophobic, asshole father.  
 _If it wasn't for him, none of this would have happened._  
He felt a shade of anger, which faded in the numbness as soon as it appeared. He couldn't move anyway, staring at the hole in the ground in front of him.  
"How are you holding up, Lo?" He heard a voice. It took him a second to recognize it as Roman's. Why was it a problem at all?  
He didn't say anything.  
They brought the coffin soon enough. Logan didn't have the chance to look at the body in the church; he never made it to the mass. He wasn't sure if he wanted to anyway.  
A musician that came as if out of nowhere started to play a sad tune as the men lowered the coffin into the ground. Patton started sobbing, clutching at Roman, who was barely holding up himself. Logan stayed quiet and emotionless. He still couldn't feel a thing.  
Everything ended as numbly as it started. Everyone went home. Logan stayed, glued to the ground. He surfaced out of his thoughts and looked at the fresh grave.  
 _'In loving memory of Virgil Sanders. He was family. May the angels give him peace.'_  
The angels. Logan suddenly snorted, drawing Patton and Roman's attention.  
"The angels," he said vapidly. These were the first words he'd uttered since he found out what happened. "The angels were staring as he was crying out for help and none of them did anything."  
"Logan - " Patton started but Logan turned away.  
"Fuck the angels."  
He walked forward aimlessly. He lost touch with reality. He didn't know where he was going. He knew he wanted to get out. He needed to hide from his thoughts, from his racing heart, from the crushing reality that was almost upon him.  
 _Was that how you felt all the time?_ , he asked, looking up at the sky. _Trapped in your own mind?_  
He felt it now. It was getting to him now. He realized what had actually happened. He realized that he'd just attended the funeral of his boyfriend. He realized that he's never going to see Virgil when he'll come back to his room. He realized that Virgil is- is-  
Gone. He was gone. He was dead and nothing could bring him back.  
He was struck with a wave of sorrow so deep, it brought him down to his knees. He didn't care that he was in public. Nothing mattered anymore.  
He was never going to hear his voice again. He was never going to see his slight smirk. Never going to binge watch and read conspiracy theories or Sherlock again. They were never going to tease Roman together.  
Someone was talking to him, but he didn't understand the words.  
He finally felt tears under his eyelids. He felt his entire body shaking. Virgil was gone. Virgil, his constantly anxious, but smart and brave Virgil was dead. Logan couldn't hold on any longer. He started to sob violently, doubling over with heavy pain in his chest. He felt hands around him and a soothing voice. He nestled up to the person who let him stay like that for what seemed like an eternity.  
“He can’t be dead. He can’t. He can’t - ” he repeated.  
They rubbed his back and whispered in his ear.  
"It's okay, Logan. Let it all out. Good. It's okay."  
The voice sounded familiar. Almost like-  
“Virgil-?”  
He opened his eyes.  
He was still in the hospital, asleep on one of the benches. Patton was beside him and was stroking his head, muttering soothing things.  
“It’s okay, Loganberry. It was just a bad dream. Breathe,” he squeezed his hand. “Virgil’s still alive.”  
Logan sat up and hid his face in his hands. The dream left him feeling weird and uncomfortable about reality and everything around. The pain in his chest made it difficult for him to breathe.  
“Any news?” He asked, his voice sore.  
“No, not yet,” Patton shook his head. “But they say not to lose hope.”  
“Yeah, they’ve been saying that for three hours now,” Logan growled. “They must know _something_ by now.”  
Patton shrugged with an apologetic face.  
“I don’t know, kiddo, but I think if they knew something, they would tell us. We have to wait.”  
“You’re right,” Logan nodded.  
They heard footsteps in the corridor and they saw Roman with two plastic cups of water.  
“Here,” he handed one to Logan and one to Patton, then took a seat next to him.  
Logan drank some water and took out a piece of paper from the pocket of his jeans. Patton and Roman made him change before going to the hospital due to all the blood on his clothes.  
“What’s that?” Patton asked.  
“The note,” Logan said quietly. He saw with a corner of his eye how Patton’s eyebrows rippled in pain. Logan had noticed and picked it up on his way out of Virgil’s room but hadn’t read it yet. “I don’t know if I want to read it.”  
“Let’s not,” Roman shook his head. “At least not till there’s hope he will - ” his voice cracked and he looked away, biting his lip. “Let’s hope we won’t have to.”  
***  
The same paramedic lady that was calming Logan down in Virgil’s bathroom made her way to the three friends and persuaded them to go get some sleep. Patton did not want to leave Logan alone and suggested he’d stay with them, but Logan assured him he will be alright.  
So he came back to his empty, quiet room. Even though there was nothing left in it that had belonged to Virgil, suddenly everything there reminded him of him. His desk, where he used to help him with studying for biology tests. Virgil's bed, where they used to cuddle and kiss for hours after watching something on his computer. The purple carpet with blue patterns, on which they had played board games with Patton and Roman. Even the bathroom reminded him of the noodles incident. Logan laughed through the tears welling up in his eyes.  
Of course, the other side of the room was empty now, just as it had been since Virgil moved out after holidays. Logan hadn't put a notice that he'd been looking for a roommate. The higher price wasn't much of a problem for him and despite his anger, which, as he now looked at it, was stupid and childish, he had hoped that Virgil would have changed his mind and come back.  
Logan took the piece of paper out of his pocket again but then put it back in and sat on the bed. He hid his face in his still shaking hands and rocked back and forth.  
He could've done better. He could've prevented it. Virgil loved him. He'd have listened to him if only he'd had the strength to put his feelings aside for once and put himself in Virgil’s shoes. Logan soon enough was sobbing uncontrollably once again. He had this feeling again as if reality wasn't actually real. Everything was dark and unpleasant, he felt uncomfortable. He needed human contact, but neither Patton nor Roman seemed suitable. He needed Virgil to hug him. He needed to kiss him again, to feel his skin touching his, to look into his amber eyes. He desperately needed him here.  
Alive. Logan remembered every single thing he'd done wrong but would give anything to fix. The guilt was crushing him.  
He doubled over, having difficulty breathing. He curled up in his bed, feeling small in the darkness and clenched his eyelids, squeezing out more tears. He felt like his eyes were crimson and doubled their size by now from all this crying.  
When his breath finally calmed down a bit, he noted that he was exhausted from all the emotions. He fell asleep quickly.  
***  
"He's awake," the nurse walked over to him as he entered the hospital. He visited here so many times in the last couple of days that she probably recognized him.  
"Thank you," Logan answered quietly and rushed towards Virgil's room. His hand stopped over the handle. He took a deep breath and opened the door.  
His eyes were closed, his face pale. Both of his forearms were bandaged. He cracked his eyes open at the sound of opening door. He woke up completely when he saw who came in.  
"Hi," Logan started shyly and closed the door. His voice was shaking from the relief. "It's so good to see you awake."  
Virgil only nodded slightly, staring at Logan, who could not possibly read what the man was thinking.  
Logan sighed and stopped beside the bed. His glance kept coming back to Virgil's wrists.  
"I'm sorry," his voice cracked and he felt tears in his eyes. "I can't believe how I could have been such a dick - "  
"Stop it," Virgil whispered, his voice quiet and sore. But it was enough to shut Logan up. He now cherished every second that he could hear this voice, look in these eyes in which there was life. He was so close to losing that.  
"It's not your fault," Virgil continued. "You've done nothing wrong."  
"But I did," Logan shook his head. "I was supposed to be there for you. I wasn't supposed to leave you."  
"No," Virgil sighed. "You wouldn't have been able to stop it. I'm sorry."  
Logan looked in his eyes.  
"How are you feeling?" He asked with worry.  
"Everything hurts and I can't stand up yet," he shrugged. "But they say I'll be fine."  
"And mentally?"  
Virgil quietened.  
"How's Pat and Princey?" He changed the subject.  
"They'll be here today, after school."  
"Why aren't you in classes?" Virgil asked suddenly.  
"You're my priority," Logan touched Virgil's finger. Virgil looked at their hands.  
"How long have I been - "  
"Three days."  
"Have my parents come or - "  
"I don't know. Haven't seen them," Logan shook his head.  
Virgil swallowed.  
"But my mom will show up," Logan said. "She was devastated when she heard what happened."  
"Why?" Virgil frowned. "She barely knows me."  
"Virgil, she loves you like you're her own son," Logan opposed. "My whole family adores you. You're so important to so many people..." his voice cracked again.  
"Please don't cry, Logan," Virgil had tears in his eyes too.  
"It's just," he took a deep breath, wiping tears from his cheeks, "it breaks my heart when you think that you mean nothing to us. To me - " he hid his face in his hands. "I have no idea what I would do if I lost you. I'm not exaggerating; I wouldn't be able to function without you at this point. I love you, Virgil. I love you so fucking much it scares me. And when we brought you to the hospital I - I had a dream, a nightmare rather, where you… We lost you to that. And it was the worst thing I have ever experienced. I can't find words to describe that. So please, _please_ , keep in mind that we love you. All of us. You are a part of our family and - and we can't - " Logan sobbed and couldn't finish the sentence.  
Virgil caught his hand and squeezed it lightly.  
"I love you too, Loganberry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I put you through that. I'm so sorry."  
Logan shook his head and tried to calm his breath.  
"It's - it’s not your fault, Virge. You don't be sorry. You just - just recover, okay? Take care of yourself."  
Virgil nodded and sniffed.  
"Thank you, Logan," Virgil leaned forward and kissed him softly. His lips were trembling and wet with tears. Logan rested his forehead on Virgil's.  
"I'm gonna get Patton and Roman, okay?" He whispered. "In the meantime, you get some sleep. We'll be back soon."  
“Wait,” Virgil started. Logan looked at him. “I want to explain what happened.”  
Logan nodded slightly.  
“Just please don’t be too mad at me.”  
“I won’t, I promise,” Logan whispered.  
“My dad was blackmailing me to stop seeing you,” Virgil said quietly. “He threatened to throw me to the street. I was scared - ” his voice cracked. “I didn’t know what to do. And I had school and depression on my shoulders. It just seemed unbearable and I didn’t know how to ask you guys for help.” He sniffed and took a deep breath. “I didn’t know how to talk about this so I didn’t, I just did what my father told me and I completely gave up. It was all too much to handle and I couldn’t - it just seemed like the only way out.”  
Logan wiped the tears from his cheeks.  
“Does it now?” He asked quietly.  
“I don’t know,” Virgil looked down. “I wanted to succeed though. I’m sorry. But I don’t deserve to live.”  
“How can you even say that?” Logan’s face contorted in pain. “Virgil - ”  
“I know,” he interrupted him. “But my father - he sometimes beats my mom, you know? Don’t tell anyone that, but he does. And I didn’t stop it. I didn’t even try. I just left her with him,” Virgil’s eyes watered again. “Do you understand? I’m too selfish and I don’t deserve - ”  
“Shut up,” Logan laughed in pain, shaking his head. “Shut up, I don’t wanna listen to this. Virgil. You’re a child in this situation. You can’t do shit here. You shouldn’t. It’s not your responsibility. You are not to blame.”  
Virgil stared at him.  
“Really,” Logan squeezed his hand and smiled. “It’s not your fault.”  
Virgil swallowed and managed a small smile.  
“Thank you, Loganberry,” he whispered. “I love you.”  
“I love you too, Virge.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: physical and verbal abuse.

Roman was just helping Virgil get back in the hospital bed after a walk they had in the park when the door to his room opened and a woman really resembling Virgil came in.  
“Oh my God,” she whispered. “How are you feeling, sweetheart?”  
Virgil tensed up, his expression cold.  
“Okay. I’m alive,” he said with defiance. The woman covered her face with shaking hands, on the verge of tears. “Is he here?” Virgil asked. The woman just nodded.  
“Virge, do you want me to go, or - ” Roman whispered, unsure what to do, but Virgil shook his head.  
“You can stay.”  
Virgil’s father appeared in the door soon enough. Roman stood in the shadow by the wall, hoping the scary, tall white man won’t see him. He really reminded him of a cold-blooded beast, which he probably was.  
“What do you think you’re doing, son?” He asked with a cold, sharp voice. Virgil shook his head.  
“I’m not your son,” he said with strength, making his mom scream inaudibly. “Not anymore.”  
“What are you talking about?” He squinted dangerously and crossed his arms.  
“You can throw me out on the streets. You can take your stupid money with you. I don’t need you anymore. And neither do you, mom,” Virgil turned to her. “You can come with me. I’ve found us a better home, I promise.”  
His father snorted.  
“As if you could do that. You’re gonna pay me for this,” he waved, gesturing at the hospital, “for a long time - ”  
“Shut up,” Virgil didn’t even look at him. “Time out for you. Mom,” his voice softened and he caught her glance. “Come with me. We’ll get the paperwork for a divorce done. We’ll make everything right. You don’t have to live like this.”  
“Virgil, you have no right to do that,” his voice was a bit colored by desperation.  
“Mom,” Virgil ignored him. “Say it. Tell him you want a divorce. I can’t do that for you.”  
“She doesn’t want - ”  
“I do,” she spoke quietly. Virgil’s father turned to her with fury in his eyes.  
“You have no right,” he made his way to her and hit her in the face. Roman’s eyes widened.  
“Stop it!” He stepped forward and pulled him away from Virgil’s mom.  
“And now we have a witness of domestic abuse for the court,” Virgil said vapidly. “You can get out now.”  
“You can’t tell me what to - ”  
“Okay, I’m calling the nurse,” Virgil reached for the intercom, but his father turned around, almost physically burning with fury. He left without any further comments.  
“Wow, that was… Badass,” Roman looked at Virgil, impressed. Virgil smirked.  
“About time.”  
Virgil’s mom bit her lip and looked at Virgil questioningly.  
“What now?” She asked.  
“Logan’s family agreed to let us stay with them. They have a separate room for you and we can stay until we stabilize our financial situation, on a condition that I will work as a barista in his aunt’s café,” Virgil informed her. “Kathy, I mean Logan’s mom, is a lawyer. She will help you with the whole divorce thing.”  
“How did you possibly come up with all of this?” She asked with disbelief.  
“Well, it was mostly Logan,” Virgil chuckled. “Isn’t my boyfriend smart as hell?”  
***  
Virgil was cleaning the counter in the café, about to close it, when the door opened.  
“We’re closed!” Virgil said.  
“I know,” Logan answered. Virgil turned around and smiled slightly.  
“Hi, Logan,” he said. “I passed biology.”  
“I’m very proud of you,” Logan smiled and gave him a kiss. “You don’t seem very excited though. Is everything okay?”  
“Yeah, I’m just tired,” he shrugged and put the towel away. He leaned against the counter and looked down.  
“You sure that’s it?” Logan caught his hand.  
“Yeah, I think,” he shrugged again. “It’s just depression low, right. It’ll pass.”  
“Yes, it will, my dear,” Logan stroked his cheek. “I’ll take you home. You have everything you need for the weekend?”  
“Yes, in the back. I’ll be there is a sec.”  
“Sure, take your time,” Logan sat at one of the tables. “How’s working here?”  
“Luna and Risa are awesome,” Virgil laughed. “You can tell they’re gay. Straight people aren’t that funny, with all due respect.”  
Logan burst into laughter.  
“Can’t argue with that.”  
Virgil finished cleaning the café and locked the door. They drove to Logan’s house perfectly in time for dinner.  
“Virge, sweetheart,” his mom made her way to him and hugged him. “I’ve got great news for you.”  
He raised his eyebrows, waving to Maya who saluted back.  
“I am now officially a divorcee,” his mom laughed.  
“Really?” Virgil smiled and hugged her. “That’s great to hear.”  
“Yes. Paul was sentenced to two years detention,” she added. Virgil nodded. “Thank you,” she whispered and kissed his forehead.  
“Well, you should thank Logan,” he informed her. “He came up with the whole plan.”  
“But you were brave enough, Virgil,” his mom took his hands in hers. “That needed a whole lot of courage that I didn’t have. I’m so proud of you.”  
Virgil blinked to wipe the tears away.  
“Let’s go eat, shall we?” He squeezed her hand in show of support. She smiled widely and followed him into the living room.  
***  
“Wait, you did _what_???” Roman exclaimed with disbelief. Logan smirked, fidgeting with a fluffy end of their purple carpet.   
“I punched him,” he repeated, relishing the look on his friends’ faces. “In the face. In the court building.”  
Roman opened his mouth to say something but Logan added, “three times.”  
“He deserved it,” Patton nodded.  
Logan looked at Virgil who was smiling slightly.   
“I’m proud of you,” he said and chuckled. “He really had it coming.”  
Logan caught his hand and stroked it.   
“And nobody had a problem with you punching him though?” Roman asked curiously.  
“Surprisingly, no,” Logan shook his head. “The only person who had a problem with it was my mom, because she said I should’ve taken him out of the court building first, but to be perfectly honest,” he laughed, “I think the judge saw us and decided to just ignore it.”  
“The judge saw you?” Patton’s eyes widened.  
“Yeah, pretty sure,” Logan shrugged. “I mean, he stood there for a couple of seconds, looking at me, and I thought he was going to do something to me, but he just nodded and I think he smiled and went away.”  
Virgil laughed.  
“He was a complete asshole,” he nodded. “And, holy shit, my boyfriend is such a badass.”  
Logan rolled his eyes.   
“So it means I can punch people in the court building?” Roman made sure.  
“What are you planning, Ro?” Logan frowned.  
“Nothing,” Roman shrugged. “Yet.”  
Patton laughed.  
“I guess it’s okay if someone is such a blatant dickhead,” he nodded.  
“Okay,” Roman nodded, as if making a mental note.  
“So now we have to remember not to go to court with Roman I guess,” Virgil raised his eyebrows, making all of them laugh.  
***  
“Okay, where are we going, Virgil?” Logan asked for the fifth time.  
“I can’t tell you, Loganberry,” Virgil shrugged, even though Logan couldn’t see him due to the blindfold on his eyes. “But we’re close.”  
“Okay,” Logan said carefully. “I can’t even look out the window in this thing.”  
“Yeah, that’s the point,” Virgil chuckled and made a turn. He stopped the car and turned off the engine. “Okay, we’re here.”  
“Can I take this off?” Logan asked.  
“Nope,” Virgil got out of the car and opened the truck. “Stay there for a sec, I just have to do something real quick.”  
“Just don’t leave me here!” Logan laughed.  
Virgil quietly made his way to him and came closer to his ear.  
“I wouldn’t dare,” he whispered.  
He caught his hand and helped him get out of the car. He closed the door and locked the car.  
“Okay, now you make a couple of steps forward, yes,” Virgil said softly, leading him. “Follow my voice, okay, stop.”  
They stopped and Virgil touched the blindfold.  
“Are your eyes closed?” He made sure.  
“Yes, all the time,” Logan sighed.  
“Okay. Turn your head up and open your eyes on my mark.”  
Virgil took off the blindfold and put it on the grass. He caught Logan’s hand and kissed it.  
“Now.”  
Logan opened his eyes and saw a night sky full of bright stars. He looked at Virgil, who was handing him his telescope. They were on a meadow somewhere in a forest. There were no lights, just them and nature. Virgil even brought a blanket to sit on and some supplies like coffee and snacks.  
“Happy birthday, Loganberry,” he whispered and kissed him.  
“Thank you, Virge,” Logan hugged him. “I love you.”  
“I know,” Virgil smirked. “Now you can teach me all about constellations.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh I am so proud of this fic. Thank you all so much for reading, this means the world to me. Sorry it was so angsty, I projected a lot of my depressive feelings and thoughts on it, but it all ended happily, right? So thank you so much and have a nice day <3


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